1.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
thenatewolf

2.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
neonwario

3.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
AbbieEvansXO

4.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
stephenjmolloy

5.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
KylePlantEmoji

6.
HIM: I have a chocolate lab.
ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ
eff_yeah_steph

7.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
_ElvishPresley_

8.
wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
ohen39

9.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
onion_an

10.
Can’t believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
kashanacauley

11.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
BoogTweets

12.
[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous
themiltron

13.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
david8hughes

14.
Barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
shutupmikeginn

15.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
HelloJessicaFox

16.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
ArfMeasures

17.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
AdamBroud

18.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Home_Halfway

19.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
InternetHippo

20.
DOG: I think that job interview went well!
*looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
SirEviscerate

21.
[while being tackled by police dog] what’s his name?
murrman5

22.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Fred_Delicious

23.
“Boop” – Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
jazmasta

24.
cop: have you been drinking
me: no
cop: can you blow into this
me: is… that soup?
cop: it’s too hot
CornOnTheGoblin

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