I got a scholarship to NYU. Dad said “Of course. You have my brains”, Mom quipped “She must, I still have mine.”

After arguing with my older sister over something pointless, my mom said, “I now understand why some animals eat their young.”

Me: “Mom, you’re invading my personal space’.
Mom: ‘Well you came out of my personal space.That makes us even”.

“If you fall out of that tree and break both your legs, don’t come running to me.”

My mom said “Clean up! I’m sick of seeing your dirty room!” Her mom (my grandma) then yelled “Then close his damn door!”

Be nice to your brother, you might need one of his kidneys one day

My mom caught me and my brother looking at dirty magazine when we were kids and said “Yeah I use to look like that at one time.”

Told my mom I expected a boyfriend and a new car for my birthday and she said “A Ken Doll and a Hotwheels, got it.”

Sister: why wouldn’t I survive the medieval times
Mom: no one did, they’re all dead

“If i see B’s on your report youre not goingto prom”
*opens report and sees A’s*
“What the hell sam! Why are you such a nerd?!”

I’m single. My mom said “if you feel lonely, dim the lights and put on a horror movie. You won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.”

After calling me all of my 4 siblings’ names&the dog’s name, Mom tells me: You know who you are, I don’t have to, come over here!

If a boy is not smart enough to see your value, don’t be dumb enough to want him

“Your sister just started taking voodoo classes.” Mom telling me about my sister starting Zumba.

“You’re not listening. You better start listening to me, I might say something important one day”.

Mom (pointing to cousin): Look at her, taking another roofie
Me: Selfie?
Mom: Selfie, roofie, whatever

Every time I show my mom a funny YouTube video she’s like ‘who is this?’. I don’t know mom just laugh and give me my phone back

My mom once apologized to somebody for butt dialing them by saying “sorry, that was a booty call”

When I was freaking out about meeting someone famous for the first time: “Breathe. They poop and pee just like you”

I told my mom I made a new friend and she asked “animal or human?”