When my 10yo asks for something and I just give a huge sigh, she says “Yay!” because she knows she’s already won.
copymama / Via twitter.com

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

Hi, I’m a mom.
My hobbies include running late and yelling at my kids because we are running late.
TorturedByTots / Via twitter.com

An exercise video for parents where all the lunges are just you going around the house picking up juice box straw wrappers.
RodLacroix / Via twitter.com

[middle of church]
5-year-old: I have to go potty.
Me: Why didn’t you go before church?
5: I wasn’t bored then.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

You think you’re going to be this Mary Poppins type mom and before you know it you’re threatening to cancel Halloween in the middle of the grocery store.
Swishergirl24 / Via twitter.com

Inventor of Legos: I’m a GENIUS!
Inventor of Legos, after having kids: I’m…OW!…an…OW!…IDIOT!…OWW!
HomeWithPeanut / Via twitter.com

Different scented candles moms can burn so everyone can tell what mood they’re in like: Frazzle & Laundry Mold, No Fu*ks & Cleaning Everything With Baby Wipes, Stale Coffee & Bordering a Nervous Breakdown.
mommy_cusses / Via twitter.com

60% of a parents diet is eating their child’s leftovers.
The other 40% is wine and coffee, depending on who you ask.
daddysdigest / Via twitter.com

My childless friend told me I’m exaggerating the struggles of parenting. I’ve been calling her repeatedly since 5 AM to say hi. She’s picking me up soon and I’ve also got a pocket full of crackers for the floorboard of her car.
MaryJustice86 / Via twitter.com

A real haunted house would have a bunch of kids following you around asking random questions and then asking why? right after you answer it, and toddlers randomly throwing tantrums.
BunAndLeggings / Via twitter.com

Me: Why is your hair so tangled?
Daughter: Syrup
Me: Right
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

If you open a candy bar wrapper in the middle of a forest with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you’re eating?
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

Anytime a kid answers “Um” the next thing they say will be the opposite of what you want to hear
mom_ontherocks / Via twitter.com

An unexpected benefit of being a parent is becoming great at fractions:
Me: Do it before I count down from 3!
1 and a half!
1 and 2 fifths!
1 and 3 twentieths!
1 and 7 hundredths!
1 and 11 two thousandths!
I really show the kids who the expert is.
threetimedaddy / Via twitter.com

I just tore off the top of a fruit gummy packet with my teeth like a soldier pulling a pin out of a grenade. Then I threw it across the room to my kid and hid in the bathroom.
If you think this sounds weird, you probably don’t have kids.
stayathomies / Via twitter.com

Everyone is tired and hungry and crying
- an after school special
PedersenAhmed / Via twitter.com

I can’t tell if this is my kid’s class roster or a list of the Instagram filters
KateWouldHaveIt / Via twitter.com

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
copymama / Via twitter.com

There are two types of zombie
1. The undead
2. Parents
DaddyGrownup / Via twitter.com

7-year-old: What’s for dinner?
Me: I’ll tell you if you promise not to complain.
7: *walks away*
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: daddysdigest / twitter.com