Buddha: All attachments will bring suffering.
*fired for never including email attachments* @Matt_DuPre

Working from home is having a job without having to sacrifice the fashion and sloth-like nature of being unemployed @alisonlzeidman

You know who wants to listen to multiple retellings of the story of your amazing Valentines?
Your Single Coworkers. @testicleas

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.” @PinkCamoTO

Every employee in this office keeps a picture of their family on their desk to remind themselves everyday of who they’re disappointing. @The_HappyNoodle

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.” @OhNoSheTwitnt

I mostly use my break time at work to decide whether or not I should come back from break @nicholasmt

Trying to figure out how many work emails I can answer with “I gotchoo boo.” before they fire me. @reppocs

Pic1: Me at home 1 am
Pic 2: Me at office 1 pm @RoflGandhi_

I have a feeling I already know which direction my “Get rich or die trying” lifestyle is headed. @jordan_stratton

*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.* @krismuscookie

In the x-ray room at work my coworker told me that the radiation could cause infertility. #Blessed to have a job that covers birth control. @JokesMagee

Boss: hmm. will talk to HR department about it and see. @AskThePankazzzz

ugh hate the auto-flush on the office bathroom toilet. always goes off before i’m even finished taking my nap @tarashoe

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies"] I guess @dafloydsta

There’s this woman in my office who is wearing the same outfit as yesterday and she reeks of tequi……ok it’s me. @semple42

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs. @mdob11

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today” @dreadnaught69

I’m so good at looking busy at work I should get paid to do it. @irene_morales

I was put in charge of morale at work, so I suggested leaving me alone. I didn’t know they meant *everyone’s* morale. @TheAlexNevil

[shows up at work with a dozen donuts]
Coworker: “You brought donuts!”
Me: “Yeah but not to share.” @dhumann

I carry a briefcase with me to work, so it’s nearly impossible to tell how many mini donuts I have with me at one time. @tchrquotes

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around. @KalvinMacleod

Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job* @Gooooats

*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts? @DaddyJew

in other news I accidentally wrote “happy birthday!” in a colleague’s leaving card so now I’ve gotta find a new job @pencilcasey_

*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm
*calls cell phone
*waits @myboots111

Pic 1 : Salary credited
Pic 2 : After 10 days. @HaramiParindey

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Well, you can see me right now, I’m sitting next to you while you email me. @jennyjrubin

When someone tries to talk to you at work even before you have had your coffee @Dorkstar

Giving my coworkers the silent treatment…I’m not sure, but I think they’re actually enjoying it. @BriP0E

boss: Keep me abreast on how the project goes, ok?
me *is asked to leave because I haven’t stopped giggling since he said “abreast”* @iwearaonesie

if u try to start a conversation with me while in the next door bathroom stall i will call the cops @farahbrook

boss: Can you get on with your presentation Josh?
me [trying to put my Ring Pop back on my finger] Just a sec @iwearaonesie

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door* @ladybroseph

Shout out to my coworkers for having a conversation about salsa dancing that reminded me I didn’t have my earbuds in. @TheCatWhisprer

I hope people hate getting these stupid office birthday cards as much as I hate signing them and finding the next guy on the stupid list. @alfageeek

“Stop telling obvious, boastful lies about your job on Twitter”
said my boss
“now put down the phone & help me oil these swimwear models” @0point5twins

I hate when I sleep on my arm kind of funny and then wake up to go to work and I feel dead inside. @TheGladStork

Coworker: What’s so funny
M: Twitter
Cw: Oh! I’m on there, what’s your @
M: I meant twizzlers..
Cw: You’re looking at your phone.
M:… @GeauxSaints79

When you have to turn off Beyonce’s 2014 halftime show cuz the boss tells you to get back to work GOD CAN I LIVE???? @christichiello

My office drawer always has some cash, powerbank and stationery. Yet people only steal pens out of it. @sagarcasm

Best thing about dating someone in office: No long phone convos as you meet each other daily.
Worst thing: You’ve to meet each other daily. @LoKarloFollow

[arrives an hour late for meeting, stands outside glass door & messes my hair up a bit]
Sorry, I’m late. I fucken hate it here. @david8hughes

[leans over to coworker] Man, this day is really [lifts sleeve to reveal temporary tattoo of a dragon] dragon @pleatedjeans