1.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
@TeaAndCopy

2.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
@thepunningman

3.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
@sageboggs

4.
wow huge congrats to toilet

@beccaandthebox

5.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
@SkinnerSteven

6.
And the award for best neckwear goes to..
Well would you look at that, it’s a tie
@CornOnTheGoblin

7.
Hey, thanks for defining the word “many” for me. It means a lot.
@murrman5

8.
Welcome to Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.
@KalvinMacleod

9.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
@LittleLostLad

10.
never

@prstskrzkrk

11.
I will never write something this good. Never.

@ArmstrongGN

12.
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
@AndyAsAdjective

13.
where did you come from
where did you go
where did you come from

@thats_joe_raven

14.
“You have to look at the big picture” – Aggressive museum guard
@michael_raphone

15.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
@DurtMcHurtt

16.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
@TheToddWilliams

17.
my dad has just taken dad jokes to a whole new level

@enterjeshikari

18.
Oi satellite dish, what music you into, pal?

@NickMixmag