1. This conversation
a conversation I saw at Taco Bell
young son crying: I wish I had a burrito
the mom pointing at the kid’s burrito: son that is a burrito

2. This alternative use for doors
“fbi” i yell, kicking down your apartment door.
you sit up, shaken, asking whats going on
“ill be asking the questions” i yell as i kick down your closet door
there’s just coats in there you tell me
“fbi” i scream as i kick down your bathroom door
what are you doing you say
“you got any more doors?” i ask

3. This sticky situation
anyone here ever got their tie caught in the sawmill conveyor belt & been dragged towards giant blade? need advice. time is a factor

4. This excellent word
I like how pet is also the word for touching your pet

5. This post that has no explanation
you: *eats 100 ears of corn in two hours* I am the corn king! I cannot be outcorned
me: *eats 101 ears of corn in ten minutes* just another day in the corn fields

what? 10inchflaccid

I don’t know. i woke up at 6am, wrote this, and went back to sleep neutraldankhotel

6. This time-vacuum
Do you ever think about how supermarkets have no clear indicator of time passing visually? Like if u go into a supermarket in the morning or midnight it would look the same, same harsh white lighting. Time isn’t real. Nothing is real. Avocados are half off

7. This call
what does he want


8. This great summary of dogs
i think dogs have elevator music playing in their heads at all times

9. This perfectly appropriate gif
when you’ve been swimming and water is in your ear


10. This constant in our lives that we will never get used to
ive been alive for almost twenty one years and im still…. shocked and offended every time it gets dark at 5pm

11. This universal truth
don’t u try and lie to me and say u don’t like one of your pillows more than the others

12. This close call
i’m glad papa smurf wasn’t called daddy smurf that was a close call

13. This summary of most people’s position on bugs
don’t get it twisted like i respect bugs for being the best they can be in spite of their specific assigned flesh prisons and their ecological significance but they need to stay the fuck away from me

14. This theft
ʖ haha got ur nose megapyon
( ͡°_ ͡°)

15. These two questions that need answering
Why is pizza a circle but the box a square and the slices triangles and my soul a bottomless pit of pain and despair?

16. This excellent comeback
i was looking up 80’s slang for reasons and
i am so using this

and you should too
let’s bring it back

17. This summary of humanity
mankind? No. man mean

18. This python-induced realisation
i used to get self-conscious over the smallest things but friends let me tell you that today i had to smuggle a furious 8ft python onto the bus during the school rush and not a single person noticed. not one. if people don’t care enough to notice a shopping bag writhing and seething with barely-contained reptilian hatred then i promise you that no-one will pay any attention to that blemish you’re fretting about or how you’ve done your hair

19. This strangely true fact
”?!” makes a sound in my head, but I can’t describe what it is.

20. This contribution to the discourse
it’s about time I contributed to the online discourse
bricks are domesticated rocks

21. This ~diamond~ pun
when you see someone cute in a bakery


22. This lesson in geography
when ur in geography class but u don’t know what’s happening