The happiest days of my life so far:

1. My wedding day
2. When my children were born
3. Today – the day I returned my sons trumpet
Divergentmama / Via twitter.com

daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
stuckinaportal / Via twitter.com

Is it fu*ked up or genius that I taught my kids to sing a clean up song to the tune of “my neck, my back”?

‘Do it now
Clean it good
Clean this house up like you should
Your books
Your blocks
Pick your shoes up, and your socks’

Nevermind, that’s definitely genius.
weirdmomming / Via twitter.com

Doctor: When you give your child grapes, make sure you cut up each individual one. But don’t cut it in half, cut it the long way and not just into twos, you have to cut it into fourths. Cut each individual grape the long way into fourths.
Me: Don’t give my kid grapes, got it.
Mirimade / Via twitter.com

Yesterday my child tugged on my shirt.
“What can I do for you?” I asked, exhausted. “Mommy is tired. She has nothing left to give.”
She responded by looking deep into my eyes, and then snatching the last of my fries from my plate.
So I guess I stand corrected.
TheNYAMProject / Via twitter.com


mommy_cusses / Via twitter.com

Me, 18 years old: My greatest fear is never having a family and dying alone.
Me, 30, with a husband, three kids and a dog: I’d do some shady shady things to be left the hell alone.
weedswildflowrs / Via twitter.com

My marriage is at its strongest when we corroborate one another’s lies to our children.
slummyUSmummy / Via twitter.com

Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
MissHavisham / Via twitter.com

[Being murdered]
Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.
bngzyface / Via twitter.com

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
moooooog35 / Via twitter.com

Sometimes the only way I can get my kid to eat is to pretend to eat his food and sometimes it doesn’t work so I just eat his food.
hotpatooties / Via twitter.com

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
amydillon / Via twitter.com

This morning my son asked me if I lied a lot and that’s why my nose is so big, but yeah I cherish every moment of parenthood.
Divergentmama / Via twitter.com

Me: I can’t believe we are actually early to something.
Kid: I forgot my shoes.
Me: Now I can.
mommajessiec / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: Divergentmama / twitter.com