I'm going to do this because I know you don't want me to.

"You like mayonnaise? Prove it." — Costco

I'll rest my bitch face when I'm dead.

Travel is the only luxury on which you could save money!

You know you are German when the word 'eating' is a verb, a noun and a city.

A nun.

Hate when people don't believe my exaggerations. Like, yeah I did wait 7 weeks for the bus once just fuck off.

It's the best security system you could get.

I have nothing to wear.

I read a few six-word short stories, a few of which were very depressing.

How are these SO FUNNY.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife's head off and i can't get a txt back

My outfit for the Emmys: tightie-whities by Calvin. Chips by Ruffles.

You may not sing in the bathtub.

We‘ve all been taught that it‘s not polite to listen to somebody else‘s private conversations.

Ok so when Selena Gomez's friend gives her a kidney it's 'true friendship' but when I toss my kidney over Brendan Fraser's gate it's 'ma'am.'