I don’t always pick out the wrong item when my wife sends me to the store but when I do I buy it in the mega-pack.
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

My wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….
simoncholland / Via twitter.com


XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

“I don’t want popcorn”
- My wife, who’s about to eat half my popcorn during this movie
FatherWithTwins / Via twitter.com

Marriage teaches you when your wife asks you which shoes look better, simply picking one won’t do, you must present at least two concise, legitimate reasons.
Social_Mime / Via twitter.com

Guys, if you’re ever feeling like your wife couldn’t possibly live without you, remember that Target sells body pillows, coffee, batteries and in some states, wine.
TwinzerDad / Via twitter.com

Before I got married I didn’t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
iwearaonesie / Via twitter.com

Mornings when my wife can sleep in:
Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house]
Mornings when I can sleep in:
Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]
moooooog35 / Via twitter.com

Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.
_troyjohnson / Via twitter.com

I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
KentWGraham / Via twitter.com

Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon that should have worked but didn’t but then the guy got it to work after all.
Don’t tell me the spark is gone.
Distracted_Dad / Via twitter.com

Wife: *gets back from the butcher shop* They said this is the hottest sausage I’ll ever have.
Me: Actually-
Wife: NO.
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

When my wife pi*ses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre sh*t, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
thedad / Via twitter.com

Not praising your mom-in-law’s cooking means u don’t care for wife’s relatives
Praising it means you don’t like wife’s cooking
DOCTORATLARGE / Via twitter.com

wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
DadZZZasleep / Via twitter.com

Marriage is just texting each other “Do we need anything from the grocery store?” a bunch of times until one of you dies.
DanielRCarrillo / Via twitter.com

Before I got married I never understood why dad would go work on his car when it was 12 degrees outside
iwearaonesie / Via twitter.com

It’s my wife’s birthday so she gets to pick the restaurant, unlike all those other times when… wait for it… she gets to pick the restaurant.
JustMeTurtle / Via twitter.com

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
KentWGraham / Via twitter.com

Being married grants you one superpower and that’s the ability to tell what couples just had a fight in the car right before a party
MarkAgee / Via twitter.com

My wife’s binge watching Snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
R_A_Dada*s / Via twitter.com

My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
moooooog35 / Via twitter.com

Marriage is being privy to someone else’s bowel movements forever. Love is genuinely hoping they go smoothly.
lukeoneil47 / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: lukeoneil47 / twitter.com