1.
Have kids so you can listen to miniature versions of yourself cry because you cut up a pancake instead of leaving it big.
@sarcasticmommy4

2.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
@Playing_Dad

3.
Grocery shopping with kids is just saying “put that back!” every 30 seconds until everyone is crying.
@realtonihammer

4.
Parenthood is full of surprises. Fix your child’s favorite breakfast, yogurt with peaches, and SURPRISE! They now hate yogurt. And peaches.
@MyMomologue

5.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
@Brianhopecomedy

6.
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
@XplodingUnicorn

7.
Toddlers are fun if you like being woken up from a dead sleep by someone force-feeding you gummi bears.
@UnfilteredMama

8.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
@PetrickSara

9.
Me at 8am: “Oh, juice spill? That’s ok, kids. Love you.”
Me at 5pm: “If ONE MORE GODDAMN DROP OF JUICE spills, I’m burning the house down!”
@Six_Pack_Mom

10.
Times of the day my kids are the most hungry:
3. Morning.
2. Lunch.
1. 10 seconds after they’ve said “I’m full,” and we’ve cleared plates.
@EverydayGirlDad

11.
Most of my time as a mother has been spent in a closet, eating something I didn’t want to share.
@sarcasticmommy4

12.
Just completed a study and found that 56% of my time at restaurants is spent taking my kids on field trips to the bathroom.
@Cheeseboy22

13.
Me: I think I ate too much.
4yo: Yeah, but not just today.
@aaroncomedian

14.
The universal sign of a parent’s car:
Gold Fish crackers or Cheerios everywhere.
@jnyemb

15.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
@ValeeGrrl

16.
3yo: May I have another waffle with syrup?
Me: You just ate the last one.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: Then can I have just some syrup?
@Jenn_H_Scott

17.
Romantic Dinner for Parents
“I love you”
“Love you too”
“Dinner was great.”
“We’re finally alone”
(from other room) “Somebody wipe me!”
@ParentNormal

18.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
@FatherWithTwins

19.
I just found spaghetti in our heating ducts if any of you were thinking of having children.
@moooooog35

20.
There is little difference between how a horse eats hay and the way my children consume spaghetti.
@JimGaffigan

21.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night
@rubywoo09

22.
Just once, I want to wake up with the same sense of renewed optimism my 5yo has as he requests candy for breakfast for the 25th day in a row
@LurkAtHomeMom

23.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
@Playing_Dad

24.
Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts
@PaperWash

25.
70% of parenting is just melting cheese on stuff to try and get your kids to eat it.
The other 30% is dipping it in ketchup.
@dshack8

26.

27.