1.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
@XplodingUnicorn

2.
SON: you’re pretty
ME: aww
SON: even when you just waked up you’re so pretty
ME: awww
SON: can i have Doritos for lunch
ME: there it is
@ValeeGrrl

3.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
@LurkAtHomeMom

4.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
@jackiembouvier

5.
3-year-old: You got your hair cut.
Me: Do you like it?
3: *walks away*
@XplodingUnicorn

6.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
@HousewifeOfHell

7.
My cousin: [to my kids] omg you guys have grown so much! How old are you now?
6: What’s your wifi password?
@graceful_asfuck

8.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Where in the fuck
Is your other shoe?
@R_A_Dadass

9.
So my friend got her phone taken away and her dad slid this under her door

@bailee_xox

10.
I can’t wait until my son is a cool teen who thinks I’m super embarrassing so I can remind him that he used to beg to watch me poop
@msemilymccombs

11.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
@Reverend_Scott

12.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
@ericsshadow

13.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
@TragicAllyHere

14.
I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.
2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.
*leaves
@establish1975

15.
My son just asked me if cats can have babies when they aren’t married and I told him yes, but I honestly don’t know.
@Elizasoul80

16.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
@House_Feminist

17.
Me to child: Don’t think everybody’s pregnant. Some people just look that way
Child to lady: Are you pregnant or do you just look that way?
@joymoll

18.
my son swims like he’s angry at water
@GrantTanaka

19.