1. I’d have to spill everything other than tea

2. I’d also have to make every one of my children wear this

3. I’d become a “scientist”

4. I’d feel threatened by someone else’s existence

5. I’d assume every queer couple are simply friends…

6. …even if they’re literally getting married

7. I’d fall in love with an ogre or a bee

8. I might actually spend money on these

9. I’d say “What about me?” to anyone who will listen

10. I’d be generally confused for about 97% of the day

11. I’d say “you’re wrong” to someone who is clearly right

12. I’d shop based on the opinions of people who don’t matter

13. I’d assume every queer person wants to fuck me

14. I’d be asking questions like this

15. I’d also make shit up whenever I felt like it

16. I’d have to pretend that the word “gay” is taboo and never utter it

17. I’d think this is sound logic

18. I’d include myself whenever I could

19. So it’s a good thing I’m not straight and I’m very fucking gay