Hairdresser: What are your plans for the weekend?
Me: Nothing, ok? Every time nothing

hey it’s me, your friend who ignores everything going on in the group text and then chimes in every six days with a single “omg”

of all the times I’ve broken a nail in my life 95% of them have been from trying to open a pistachio

every time I see someone running in an airport I spiritually connect with them. like bitch I get u this my life run sweetie make that flight

[me buying expensive wine that I do not deserve and have not earned]
I deserve this. I have earned this

“LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE.” commands the small cushion. You whisper “I’m trying” but that only makes it angrier

my exclamation key button broke and now all my emails sound like they were written by a man

I was just at a mixer and I mixed the shit out of it jk not really I talked only to who I knew then left

eating almonds:
(seconds 1-3) mmmn!
(seconds 4-273) wait how do i get all this dirt out of my mouth oh god make it stop

If you call your significant other your “partner in crime” I will have u arrested

my body: WATER please I need it
me: you – you want iced coffee??

it’s so weird how girls just know….idk how we know?? shit, half the time we don’t even know what we know, but like we know

do ur boobs ever just like not match your outfit like does that make sense to anyone else

me: skincare!
my other organs: please help us .

My movements can be tracked exactly by simply following the trail of lip balms I have lost throughout my life

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

I have p low self esteem for someone who always googles celebs to see if they’re single after I wake up from a sex dream about them

literally just saw a 10 year old girl wearing a shirt with sparkles that said “doing my best” fucking same bitch where’d you get that

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it’s a coherent narrative you endorse

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because a man told you to.

Image Credit: Google Images