1.
Hairdresser: What are your plans for the weekend?
Me: Nothing, ok? Every time nothing
@natalietran
2.
hey it’s me, your friend who ignores everything going on in the group text and then chimes in every six days with a single “omg”
@AshleyFetters
3.
of all the times I’ve broken a nail in my life 95% of them have been from trying to open a pistachio
@csydelko
4.
every time I see someone running in an airport I spiritually connect with them. like bitch I get u this my life run sweetie make that flight
@tanamongeau
5.
[me buying expensive wine that I do not deserve and have not earned]
I deserve this. I have earned this
@LucyXIV
6.
“LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE.” commands the small cushion. You whisper “I’m trying” but that only makes it angrier
@figgled
7.
my exclamation key button broke and now all my emails sound like they were written by a man
@jazzedloon
8.
I was just at a mixer and I mixed the shit out of it jk not really I talked only to who I knew then left
@KarenKilgariff
9.
eating almonds:
(seconds 1-3) mmmn!
(seconds 4-273) wait how do i get all this dirt out of my mouth oh god make it stop
@sbellelauren
10.
If you call your significant other your “partner in crime” I will have u arrested
@DanaSchwartzzz
11.
my body: WATER please I need it
me: you – you want iced coffee??
@lainekdavis
12.
it’s so weird how girls just know….idk how we know?? shit, half the time we don’t even know what we know, but like we know
@maddie_redmon
13.
do ur boobs ever just like not match your outfit like does that make sense to anyone else
@oliviafarmerr_
14.
me: skincare!
my other organs: please help us .
@smeezi
15.
My movements can be tracked exactly by simply following the trail of lip balms I have lost throughout my life
@Brocklesnitch
16.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
@meganamram
17.
I have p low self esteem for someone who always googles celebs to see if they’re single after I wake up from a sex dream about them
@annadrezen
18.
literally just saw a 10 year old girl wearing a shirt with sparkles that said “doing my best” fucking same bitch where’d you get that
@summerjscott
19.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
@MaraWilson
20.
the worst part about meeting new people is having to tell your life story like it’s a coherent narrative you endorse
@hiitsmolly
21.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because a man told you to.
@jenstatsky
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