1.
Me: I know you from somewhere
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I’m sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
@thenatewolf
2.
Free idea for a commercial for queso: a judge tries some inferior queso & says “queso dismissed!”
Guys, I’m feeling pretty isolated rn
@AndyRichter
3.
[date]
me *quietly*: don’t let her know you miss the late winters of your childhood
her: so-
me: ah, the way the water flowed under the snow
@malt_skull
4.
it’s a-me,
@incremus
5.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
@KeetPotato
6.
Date – “lets watch a DVD, I’ve got Ratatouille?”
Me – “no thanks, I haven’t seen rataONEille hahaha”
Date – “you know what I’m pretty tired”
@Fred_Delicious
7.
Dad: *hands me pen* This was your Grandpa’s. He used it to write us during WWII and-
Me: I lost it
D: What?
M: I’ve already lost the pen
@decentbirthday
8.
When someone shows up to the party with the same basket as you
@KimmyMonte
9.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
@daplusk
10.
FUNERAL INSTRUCTIONS:
* Open casket
* Free bag of tortilla chips upon entrance
* My dead hands hold the bowl of salsa
@SamGrittner
11.
date: you didn’t tell me you drove an uber
me: yeah pretty sweet huh
passenger: are these waters free
@DanMentos
12.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
@iwearaonesie
13.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
@QwertyJones3
14.
10:00 am: sitting alone at work
10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend
10:06 am: ate my best friend
10:07 am: sitting at work alone
@be_yourownhero
15.
bröther may i have some öats
@markyannna
16.
Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares
@Home_Halfway
17.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
@AbrasiveGhost
18.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
@lazerdoov
19.
and im falling asleep
and she calling a cab
while he’s having a smoke
and hes also a crab
@beesmygod
20.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
@iamspacegirl
21.
Karen from accounting thinks I hate all birds because she caught me yelling at a bird but the truth is I only hate one specific bird
@Amusitr0n