#1 “If you drink the night before, your baby will wake up 2-3 hours early.”
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#2 “Your kid will have to go to the bathroom the minute the food reaches your table at a restaurant.”
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#3 “Your kid will definitely poop, pee, or puke all over themselves the first time you dare to leave the house without a change of clothes for them.”
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#4 “Kids should ALWAYS use the toilet before leaving somewhere. Even if it causes a war, put them on the toilet. Otherwise the second you get on the road, they’ll insist they cannot wait another minute to go.”
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#5 “You will watch the same TV show or movie over and over and over and over again, until you feel like you’re losing your mind. Then you’ll watch it more.”
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#6 “You will likely never get to eat anything without someone wanting ‘just a bite.’”
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#7 “Never take a child from something they ARE enjoying so that you can go to something they MIGHT enjoy.”
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#8 “Never, ever buy your kid something in the checkout aisle. You’ll never get out of a store without buying something (or a tantrum) again.”
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#9 “If you think it’s a toddler trigger word, you damn well better spell it out.”
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#10 “If you see a kid throwing a tantrum in public, you always have to make eye contact with the parent and give them a little nod of solidarity.”
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#11 “When your kid falls or gets minimally injured, pretend you didn’t see it. Most of the time they’ll shake it off if there’s not an audience.”
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#12 “A baby will sleep quietly while you prepare your meal and start crying the moment you sit down to eat it.”
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#13 “Inevitably, a freshly changed diaper WILL result in it immediately being shat in. But it’s hard to mind, because babies make such cute noises while doing so.”
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#14 “Do not tell your kids about the really fun thing you plan to do in a few days. Tell them the day of or they will ask, ‘Is it time yet?’ a thousand times until it happens.”
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#15 “All that fierce love you have for your kids comes with a huge amount of serious anxiety that you will NEVER shake off until you die.”
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#16 “Don’t let your kid go to their friend’s house for 4-6 hours straight without checking in, or better yet, asking the other parents if it’s OK for them to be there.”
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#17 “Share something with your kid once and you will be doing it forever (or possibly until adulthood).”
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#18 “You’re not REALLY a parent if you haven’t made up new, often inappropriate lyrics to the theme songs of your kids’ favorite TV shows.”
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#19 “At a kid’s activity (like the playground), ’10 more minutes’ means ’5 more minutes’ and ’5 more minutes’ means ’2 more minutes.’ But when it’s something for adults (like grocery shopping) it’s the opposite — ’2 more minutes’ means ’5 more minutes,’ etc.
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#20 “You will question every decision you make and constantly worry you are making mistakes.”
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#21 “Cheerios will be everywhere. Always.”
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