Like, what happens if I slip and have a glass of wine or two during this 9-month sobriety challenge?
Obstetrician: First of all, it’s called “pregnancy.”
lmegordon / Via twitter.com


Snorlax_Senpapi / Via twitter.com

Once you can send your kids to play in the other room without worrying about them dying, the second part of your life begins.
DadandBuried / Via twitter.com

My toddler baby is watching a storm out the front window. She says, “Quiet…quiet. Kaboom comin’.” She whispers: “I did it.”
emerylord / Via twitter.com

I’m tired of hearing new moms always say their baby is “such a good baby.” Just once, I wanna hear a mom be like, “Yeah, no, my baby’s a real di*k.”
copymama / Via twitter.com


MommaDeeeds / Via twitter.com

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
TheCatWhisprer / Via twitter.com

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
baronvonbike / Via twitter.com


NewDadNotes / Via twitter.com

Kids are basically reverse Roombas
papasuncle / Via twitter.com


arieella_ / Via twitter.com

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go! So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Lhlodder / Via twitter.com

Hi, i’m a mom. You might know me from some of my Greatest Hits like “I thought your game was cancelled”, “please don’t fart on your sister”, “why are there dirty socks in the refrigerator” and “I’ve clearly failed as a mother, just wait until your father gets home”
YourMomsucksTho / Via twitter.com


meganbielby / Via twitter.com

Just heard the mom of a newborn tell her crying baby “it’s ok, we’re figuring it out… we’re just on day 8” and honestly I’m on day 3,654 and I’m still figuring it out.
SnarkyMommy78 / Via twitter.com

If you don’t kick your kid’s toy across the room after your trip on it, are you even a parent?
ihoplollipop / Via twitter.com


TigNotaro / Via twitter.com

One night before bed my kid asked me to sing a new song, but the only one I could think of at the time was the fresh prince of bel air theme.
This is how millennial lullabies are born.
daddydoubts / Via twitter.com


cwilso / Via twitter.com

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Lhlodder / Via twitter.com

My son told me he was listening to music from “the late 1900s,” and it took me a minute to realize he meant music from when I was in high school & college, and not something coming from a player piano in an Old West saloon.
amydillon / Via twitter.com

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
LurkAtHomeMom / Via twitter.com

My toddler just got a hold of a tub of butter, rubbed it all over her legs, and said “lotion you can eat” and I feel like she may be onto something.
Bottomofmypurse / Via twitter.com


simoncholland / Via twitter.com

My 10 yr old has never met a stranger. Today at a hotel pool I couldn’t find him and he was with an entirely different family making dinner plans.
Parkerlawyer / Via twitter.com

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
CAshmanActor / Via twitter.com

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
copymama / Via twitter.com

3-year-old: I’m 3. I get 3 cupcakes.
Wife: That’s not how it works.
Me: *eats 34 cupcakes*
XplodingUnicorn / Via twitter.com

Via buzzfeed, Preview photo credit: arieella_ / twitter.com