1. Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next to a crying baby. Apparently, that’s not allowed if the baby is yours. @mommyshorts

2. Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night. @Hypercraxy

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half. @ValeeGrrl

4. I don’t care how cute your kid is. When you wake up in the middle of the night and see them standing next to your bed, they are terrifying. @maughammom

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space @_Mo_lee_

6. In case you were wondering, the loudest sound in the world is my kid screaming, “Are you pooping?!?” in a public restroom. @UnfilteredMama

3yo (in bathroom): Mummy, can I put this sticker on Daddy’s card?
Me (in bed): Yes.
3yo: Will he love it?
Me: Yes. @Dempster2000

8. I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, “I’m NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I’ve been whispering. Now I’m free!” @JennyPentland

First kid: healthy, organic everything.
After third kid: KFC chicken leg falls on floor – just pick it up and eat it, I don’t care. @KateWhineHall

10. Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock. @amydillon

What are you eating?
Xanax. @Marlebean

Me to baby: Say Dada!
Husband: You don’t want her first word to be Mama?
Me: Hell no! The other 2 won’t leave me alone. This one’s yours. @CrazyExhaustion

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.
It’s science. @sarcasticmommy4

14. Never, & I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.They will sense your excitement & abort mission! @CaffeineandF

15. My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game. @KateWhineHall

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor? @SardonicTart

17. Parenthood is: Telling your kids they can’t eat brownies for breakfast, then eating brownies for breakfast after they leave for school. @MidgardMomma

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know.. @FoxyWinePocket

19. My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included “I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence.” @Manda_like_wine

*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh @Book_Krazy

21. My son still pronounces “fish” as “bitch,” I can’t wait to take him to the beach this summer to look for bitches. @WorkingMom86

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go. @LurkAtHomeMom

Ever notice in the story of the 3 bears, Papa Bear’s porridge is piping hot, baby’s is perfect, & poor Mama Bear’s is cold?
I get it now. @DomesticGoddss

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and

25. There are Olympians who began intense training regimens at age 5, but sure, son, keep licking the bathtub. @mommy_cusses

Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school? @ValeeGrrl

Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break. @HousewifeOfHell

28. I watched Sleeping Beauty with my son and then I had to explain to him the importance of consent. @WorkingMom86

29. “It’s okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too.” @thatcarlygirl

30. 4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant. @FeralCrone

Parenting a newborn:
30% feeding
50% changing diapers
20% worrying
80% becoming so sleep deprived that you forget how to do basic math @LurkAtHomeMom

What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.” @est1975blog

33. If you mean getting my 3yo to change out of her Elsa dress into regular clothes everyday, then yes I do participate in extreme sports. @MummaCrazy

34. My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses. @WorkingMom86

35. When I want my kids to eat something the best chance I have is to put it on MY plate, where apparently food becomes immediately appetizing. @yenniwhite

36. You don’t know fear until you hear your 2yo flush the toilet and yell “BYE BYE” from the hall bathroom. @lilwestman

37. Sorry I’m late, my son noticed his pupils were circles and he wants square ones. @WorkingMom86

38. I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.” @est1975blog

39. Running away after dropping the kids at grandma’s house like @ValeeGrrl

40. A baby shower game requested everyone write parenting advice on a notecard, so I wrote down my favorite margarita recipe. @PetrickSara

My husband brought the kids to a baseball game so I woke them up at 2am to feed them candy.
No way I’m losing the “favorite parent” battle. @Carbosly

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”
*shakes magic 8 ball
*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess @WorkingMom86

I asked my son what time he wanted me to wake him up on the 1st day of school:
“6:30, so I can shower & cry.” @sarcasticmommy4

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