1.
Parenting a newborn:
30% feeding
50% changing diapers
20% worrying
80% becoming so sleep deprived that you forget how to do basic math
@LurkAtHomeMom

2.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
@XplodingUnicorn

3.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
@Fred_Delicious

4.
You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL.
Anyways, the baby’s ok.
@Brianhopecomedy

5.
Held a newborn baby yesterday. Then I went to make a Sunday roast

@RachaelvsWorld

6.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
@Home_Halfway

7.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
@david8hughes

8.
Nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter’s eyes, whispering, “I can’t do this”.
@VancityReynolds

9.
Shoutout to burritos for training me in the art of wrapping a newborn baby in a blanket.
@MummaCrazy

10.
I love when someone gives birth in movies/tv shows and the “newborn baby” is like a 2 year old and covered in spaghetti-O’s
@JKirchartz

11.
For those wondering what having a newborn baby is like, I just wrote “take a shower” on a list of things I’m hoping to accomplish today.
@Smethanie

12.
Even more effective than an alarm clock is your baby’s dirty diaper.
@DadandBuried

13.
Aww … a picture of newborn baby Guy Fieri

@ItsmoiDeb

14.
FYI you can’t snooze the baby monitor
@TheCatWhisprer

15.
Why do I look like I’m about to fling my newborn baby brother into the sun ‘I didn’t ask for a fucking sibling, Michelle’

@yikescaminah

16.
[finally gets the car seat installed correctly]
Me: Where’s the baby?
Wife: In college.
@XplodingUnicorn