1.
I told my husband to put the oreos somewhere I couldn’t get them. So he put them on the floor.
@mamerwin

2.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
@XplodingUnicorn

3.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
@zoevsuniverse

4.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
@lazerdoov

5.
Today I dropped a pair of socks and they rolled under my dresser. I have decided I no longer need those socks.
@abrad83

6.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
@XplodingUnicorn

7.
For those wondering how far along I am, I’m at the stage of pregnancy where I can’t look at a dog without crying.
@DubsKenzie

8.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
@Ameiam

9.
If you ever want to overcome your fear of dying, you should just steal a parking spot from a pregnant woman.
@FullMetalMommy

10.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
@axvryz

11.
I had a dream that I have a flat tummy again. I throw stuff on the ground, and pick up, and throw again, just for fun.
@Handezen

12.
I just spilled my cup of ice water and cried for 20 minutes then called my boss and told her I quit
@Colee_sayzs

13.
When your unborn son has more clothes than you
@DueDateDiaries

14.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
@kentgrossarth

15.
Well, looks like we’re having a massively HUGE baby.
@stephani3MS

16.
I love seeing the change on a guy’s face from sexual interest to horror as he’s checking me out and then realizes I’m
@PregnantMess

17.
That moment you get all comfy in bed and then you have to pee… again.
@H_M_Geller

18.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
@leechee420

19.
Why do men say women are dumb for getting pregnant like she did it by herself?
@CelesteTheBesst

20.
On the commuter trains, it’s always the women who give up their seat for me. They remember the aches and pains.
@shrutigoins

21.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
@Caissie

22.
Switching sides at night in the third trimester should be an Olympic event.
@JennaLunsetter

23.
I just started crying while watching a Post-It commercial.
Pregnancy confirmed.
@samanthajcampen

24.
Looks like it’s gonna be another one of those nights because this kid won’t stop kicking me!

@JayMartini

25.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
@MacAnnabella

26.
Finally found the piece of chocolate I lost! ..wedged inbetween my bump & my boob..
@Rchi_B

27.
Seriously though, I think baby is positioned sideways and also posssibly an octopus.
@nixheartsyou

28.
I think I might be stuck in my bath tub…
@jparker856

29.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
@siposaurus

30.
I used to think people overexaggerated about babies kicking. I’ve had a foot in my rib for 2 days now
@iheartjasminef