1. This fashionable fib
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

2. This dating faux pas
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

3. This definite truth
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

4. This political fabrication

Obama: you told him Nigel Farage was British Foreign Secretary didn’t you?
Obama: Joe

5. This genius idea
If you live to be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to fuck with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.

6. This absolute work of art
my mom writes my little brothers teacher a note and he brings it back home the next day and says she wrote this


7. This relatable lie
Barber could staple a pic ae yer maw gettin shagged tae yer heed but when he holds up that wee mirror you’d still be like ideal mate cheers

8. This outlandish statement
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

9. This John West myth
john west yer a fuckin liar that’s well hard


10. This giant overreaction
When someone tells you a secret that you’ve lowkey been knowing but you have to act surprised


11. These imaginary pups
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

12. This vital lie to yourself
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

13. This actual exposé
My mother is out here lying on Facebook. My nephew speaks in Power Ranger quotes, he ain’t say none of this.


14. This timely truth
I don’t understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal.
I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?

15. This delayed truth
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

16. This brutal self burn
Ladies call me Subway because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

17. This miracle
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

18. This poor grasp on literature
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

19. This honest compliment
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

20. This universal denial
People be surprised when I tell em I have a 4.0 GPA while working & maintaining an active social life, but anything is possible when you lie