#1

Me: the eagles won last night

Co worker: oh did you watch the game

Me: *covered in blood and scratches* what game

— rudy mustang (@rudy_mustang) February 5, 2018

#2

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 19, 2016

#3

Danny-DevitoTrashMan / Via reddit.com

#4

I can't believe people don't eat the crust like wtf it's part of the food, it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste the same as the rest of the watermelon

— Slimecicle (@Slimecicle) June 28, 2019

#5

Is it "fleek" or "on fleek"? I want grandmas eulogy to be just right.

— Mike, The Egg Disliker (@MikeCanRant) March 30, 2015

#6

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

— Kellen (@captainkalvis) January 12, 2018

#7

Knugsters / Via reddit.com

#8

ME: isn't this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong

— mauled by dog (@hippieswordfish) November 3, 2015

#9

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

—joeg (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015

#10

My son was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” I told him they were water. Then he asked “Dad, what’s the Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again with his eyes obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

— ‎ IP IP IP IP IP IP IP IP IP IP IP! (@AintNoDylanBih) July 19, 2018

#11

I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard

— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) April 16, 2016

#12

*cop pulls me over*

COP: please blow into this, sir

ME: *plays trumpet perfectly*

COP: okay you're definitely sober and way cool

— bones morguensen (@SconesMortensen) July 16, 2015

#13

Yes, judge I do have something to say. If you truly are what you eat then I am an innocent man. Thank you.

— Truckstop Vigilante (@BRENTHOR) December 18, 2014

#14

accountant: "youre basically broke"
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"

— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015

#15

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

— sweaty five dollars (@iscoff) January 7, 2015

#16

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

"Yes?"

Help my knee is made of magnets

— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) January 10, 2014

#17

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) April 20, 2018

#18

kaijuerotica / Via tumblr.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: kevinfarzad / twitter.com