7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed “yay! TWO christmases!” from the other room.

My 3yo “accidentally” unspooled the entire roll of toilet paper. But don’t worry, he “fixed” it.

4-year-old: Why do you go to work?
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.

dad: “come on, you guys are LATE!!!!”
11yo: “you should have started YELLING at us earlier!”

My 5yo on her 1st day of K: “They asked me to count as high as I could. I could’ve done 200, but I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time.”

7-year-old: Can you buy me a goldfish?
Me: No.
7: Is it too expensive?
Me: That’s not the problem.
7: You could buy me a silver fish.

My kid just flushed her socks down the toilet because “dirty stuff goes there.”
Sound logic, questionable execution.

Me: “Why are these Legos all over the floor?!”
5: “To keep everyone else away; it’s my computer turn.”


Me: Pick up your toys
6-year-old: *picks up a toy and sets it back down*
Me: I meant pick it up and put it away
6: I’m not a mind reader.

6yo: is Santa Claus real?
Me: what do you think?
6yo: I think … I don’t want to have this conversation right now

4yo:*takin sip of my Dr. Pepper* what flavor is that?
Me:Dr. Pepper
4yo:*looks at me like I’m a moron* That’s not a flavor, that’s a person.

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

My son got mad at me yesterday and opened all the bananas in the house. What type of passive aggressive monster…


7 y/o daughter: “If I’m watching cartoons on the couch then wouldn’t they be couchtoons cause I’m not in a car?”
No paternity test needed

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

When you’re not hungry for the whole pizza, but you still don’t want to share.
-4yo life hack


[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Me: Guess what time it is?
6-year-old: I don’t have to guess. I can read the clock.
Me: It’s time to clean your room.
6: No, it’s 2:45.

Me: Let’s go pack your lunch for school tomorrow!
5yo: I went to school today.
Me: Yes, and you go again tomorrow.
5yo: What?!?!?!

3YO son: “Why are you 45?”
Me: “Because that’s just how old I am.”
3YO: “Is that the last number? Because that’s a lot.”

To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn’t get rid of her shadow.

Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”