One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

I’m so old I remember when fame was a by-product of talent.

you know you’re getting old when people your age are having babies on purpose

My daughter just asked why we say “hang up” the phone and now I feel 90.

You know you’re getting old when all of your injuries are a result of “sleeping weird”

You know you’re getting older when you have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

on aging:
21 yrs – woo!
22 yrs – woo!
23 yrs – woo!
24 yrs – woo!
25 yrs – woo!
26 yrs – wait
27 yrs – oh god
28 yrs – please make it stop

becoming older than 10 years old was the biggest mistake of my life

Age 15: someday I’m going to own a Ferrari
Age 20: maybe I’ll get a BMW someday
Age 25: I hope someone in a Mercedes hits me in a crosswalk

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I know I’m getting old because I just saw a group of hot chicks in bikinis and my first thought was “I hope they’re wearing sunblock.”

You know you’re old when you enjoy having a day off to do laundry, clean and have a cup of tea without being rushed

I thought I was just really tired but it’s been 5 years so I guess this is how I look now.

You know you’re getting old when you watch Home Alone and wonder how much their mortgage is!


The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

One day you’re not old and the next day you have a favorite grocery store.

21 “you’re so young” 22 “you’re so young” 23 “you’re so young” 24 “you’re so young” 25 “are you married? How’s your career going?”

True mark of adulthood: instead of your parents scheduling your doctor’s appointments, you just avoid going to the doctor & hope u don’t die

Your 30′s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

You know you’re getting old when you wake up feeling hungover & you didn’t even have anything to drink.

It’s Friday night & I’ve been in bed watching Netflix & eating snacks for 3 hours. Never let anyone tell you that getting old is terrible.

Dating pool in your 20′s vs your 30′s


its important to get your shit together at an early age, so that when you get older, you have a big cohesive pile of shit

By the time I get used to how old I am, I’m 10 years older than that.

20s: I can do anything I want, the world is my oyster
30s: standing here hurts my back

Life goals change as you get older. For example as a kid I wanted to be a veterinarian and now I just aspire to make it through the workday.

i would hate to be someone who is “gone too soon” but i love that it suggests there’s an age to die where we go “ahh… right on time”

“We’re going to need a urine sample.”
25 year old me: “I can’t go.”
51 year old me: “Right there – I dribbled down your hallway.”

Kind of getting into this whole “going to bed early” thing old people keep going on about.