1. A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says “aw man you should take those off you look way better without them” and she goes “yeah you look way better without them too.” I thought that was pretty clever. Stephenfvb

At my high school there was a chick in a wheelchair. She was extremely good looking but suuuuuper bitchy. A guy was walking down the hallway with some retro lunch box, I forget what but it was actually pretty awesome. Anyway, she says “Nice fucking lunchbox.”

How does he reply?
Nice fucking legs.
Everyone was speechless. mealzer

Had a really witty teacher for my game design class, the Vice Principal hated him for whatever reason. One day we were all studiously working with our headphones on programming away while our teacher was upfront reading a book, very available and approachable if we had any questions. Then the VP walks in the room:

VP: “Mr. Teacher, it has come to my attention that you have absolutely no control over this class! This is unacceptable.”

Teacher gives him a fairly nonchalant stare, cooly and calmly places his book down, and claps his hands loudly three times (which was his very effective way of getting our attention while listening to music). Mind you, the following occurred without us knowing why the VP was there or what he had said.

Teacher: “Ok class listen up, I have an exercise for you. This’ll only take a few moments. First and foremost, everybody stand up.”

We all stood up in near unison very quickly.
Teacher: “Good, now I want all of you to leave the room and stand outside in the hallway and no matter what this guy says,” as he points his finger at VP, “do not come back in the room until I say so. Ok, go!”
We all exit the room, a little intrigued by what was going on.
Teacher: “Ok VP, bring them back in the classroom”
We didn’t budge
To this day, that is one of my favorite stories to tell.

When my brother and I were really young, 11 and 8, he called me gay. He didn’t know what it meant, I probably didn’t either, but it was a term that we used at the time to mean “lame”.

Anyways, we were on a long road trip when he called me this. About 30 minutes later he started to complain about his butt hurting from the long ride and without missing a beat, I said “And you called me gay?”. My dad had to pull the truck over because he was laughing so hard that he had tears coming out. i3igNasty

5. Dude at my gym who is overweight has been working it off, slowly but surely, for a few months. This new guy comes in one day and starts trying to flirt with the receptionist (who is the overweight guys wife)
He decides to loudly ask why that dude is so fat if he is at the gym.
The receptionist looks at him for a long moment and then says “Because every time we screw I let him lick chocolate sauce off me.”
I nearly died laughing that day.

My dad is a pediatrician. Someone said to my brother: “Your dad touched my balls.”
My brother’s response was: “Yeah, and you paid him for it.” rescuerobot

7. My HS principal once insulted my mother’s english (she’s not from America). She just politely apologized for the mixup and said “I’m sorry sometimes I get English mixed up with the other six languages. How many do you speak?” Shadowex3

8. I was a fat kid. Not anymore though. When I was 14 or so, my sister-in-law(older brother’s wife) asked if I needed a training bra. Without even thinking, I asked if she was jealous(she’s flat-chested). It was epic. She just stood there for a second and stormed off. It’s been over 20 years and I’m fit and healthy and needless to say, she’s still boobless. Why the fuck would an adult say something like that to a kid anyway? Edit: I’m a guy. I was a fat kid with man-boobs. ryan_503

Heard a good one about Muhammad Ali – when he was on a plane once the Stewardess politely asked him to put his seatbelt on, to which he said “Superman don’t need no seatbelt!”

“Superman don’t need no plane” she replied. tom_is_pullin

I was at a guitar store once, I’m not a very good guitar player, but I was shopping for an amp and decided to try a few out. I pulled a guitar down from the wall, plugged into an amp and started tweaking the settings to my liking.

A guy in a wheelchair came up, plugged into the amp next to me and dimed the volume, then proceeded to play some masturbatory metal licks. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, powered off the amp that I was testing and walked across the room to another amp, plugged in and started fiddling with settings again. Again, he rolled himself over, plugged into the amp directly adjacent to mine, turned up to 11 and proceeded to go to town on the guitar.

A second time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, walked away and tried a third amp without saying a word to him. He rolled over, plugged in, turned up and started playing as loud as he could. I asked him if he’d mind giving me a few moments, as I was considering buying one of the amps, and he responded with “I don’t know why you bother, you’re a shitty guitarist and I can do anything you can do ten times better.”

I looked him in the eye, said “Not quite anything” and reached up to hang the guitar from the top rack, which I had to stretch a bit to reach, all while maintaining eye contact. GodMonster

My crazy neighbor’s crazy daughters, who are identical twins, are having a massive argument:
Twin 1: “Fuck you you ugly bitch!” Twin 2: “We’re twins you fucking moron!”
They heard me laughing. TheMisiak

Every time I walk into a store with my dad.
Worker: “Can I help you?”
Dad: “No, he was born like that.” rssmitty13

My conservative Mormon mother decides to talk to me for the first time about sex (17 at the time) She places two slices of chocolate cake, beautifully decorated, from a nice bakery. “Now daughter, this is you with your virginity…” She then squashes one slice of cake with her hand. “And this is you without your virginity. What slice of cake would you rather give to your future husband, for time and all eternity?”

I look back and forth between the cakes “But, mom…they taste the same…” My older sister still loves to bring this up. It may be a funnier story when told out loud, though. hauskittay

Ok I’m eating at a breakfast diner, and there is an older gentleman sitting next to me at the counter.

He stands up to leave, and another old man sitting near him looks at the guy’s plate and I guess he noticed that he didn’t really eat a whole lot. He says to the old man as he’s leaving, “people are starving, and you’re leaving food on the plate.”

Old man turns to the guy, looks at him for a second, and says, “people are starving, and you’re fat. What’s the difference?” thekilla

Once asked a middle aged woman to borrow her pen on the train.
Me: “May I please borrow you pen, ma’am?”
Woman: “Excuse me — don’t call me ma’am. Don’t you know how offensive that is to say to a woman?”
Me: “My apologies…sir.” BuffaLee

16. Reporter: They think your haircuts are un-American. John Lennon: Well, that was very observant of them because we aren’t American. DaifukuKid

17. It was was during lunch at high school when this kid with really bad crossed eyes made fun of this Asian kid. He was just saying stereotypical things like, Asians can’t drive and etc. The Asian kid replies with ” you I’m really jealous of you, when you cross the street you don’t need to look both ways.” Everyone was dying, laughing so hard. NubHubz

My friend asked our teacher “In 20 years, when you see me at our reunion, what will you say to me?”
She replied, “how was prison?” Dopehead2dope

19. This really shy kid that doesn’t really speak much was getting picked on my this mean girl when the teacher tells her “be nice to him, he might be your boss someday,” without missing a beat he replies “no thanks, I don’t want to be a pimp when I grow up.” Soitgoes5

One time my boss was up on stage for a meeting and was explaining some issues FedEx was facing with shipment times and that we’ll need to adjust our shipping ETA’s. So this one especially outspoken individual raised his hand and asked “So uhh, like, when are things going to be like they should be?”
To which my boss responded…
“I don’t know, when are you going to be like you were in your interview?”
Whole place went nuts. depthandbloom