wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
iwearaonesie / Via twitter.com

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
AbrasiveGhost / Via twitter.com


jaredtheunseen / Via twitter.com

coffins : the ultimate and final ravioli
egg_dog / Via twitter.com


jfurta_ / Via twitter.com

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
ArfMeasures / Via twitter.com


kaludiasays / Via twitter.com


tettracat / Via twitter.com


Deno_Tron / Via twitter.com

High school teachers: I’m MRS. HARDASS and you will take me SERIOUSLY
College profs: what up I’m Josh and class is cancelled cuz I’m tired
uzbeccastaaaan / Via twitter.com


syrianbryn / Via twitter.com

I wonder what it’s like to be able to put your hair in a low ponytail and not look like a founding father
megan_middle / Via twitter.com

Finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
rachelle_mandik / Via twitter.com


sofritolocito / Via twitter.com


jaybn1 / Via twitter.com

austy23 / Via twitter.com

every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz baby
lilghosthands / Via twitter.com

I can’t believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
frenchielaboozi / Via twitter.com

“Anybody here named Jeff?”
Jeff: “Yes”
Geoff: “Yeos”
mtobey / Via twitter.com


JayGreatorex / Via twitter.com

Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV
EricThomas_311 / Via twitter.com

No fu*king way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
Stellacopter / Via twitter.com

Most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
skullmandible / Via twitter.com

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
simoncholland / Via twitter.com

me: skincare!
my other organs: please help us .
smeezi / Via twitter.com

Sorry if i’ve ever said that I wanted to hang w you but never did!! I’m so bad at doing things!!! and being a person!!!! luv u tho!!!!!
emilieidler / Via twitter.com

[while being tackled by police dog] what’s his name?
murrman5 / Via twitter.com

-remember to use your energy sparingly. It’s a marathon, not a sprint
-make sure you stay hydrated
-don’t panic
manytypesoftea / Via twitter.com


taIIant / Via twitter.com

I’ve learned in my 27 years of life that you cannot send 2 questions to a man in the same text message, or separate messages before receiving a reply to the first one. You will only get an answer to one of your questions. Simple creatures. Slow down for them.
paigelokkesmoe / Via twitter.com

socrates: to do is to be
plato: to be is to do
scooby: do be do
avantnard / Via twitter.com


cmbgaga / Via twitter.com

Behind every strong woman is 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second
twelveoclocke / Via twitter.com


tatianawrites / Via twitter.com


allieoets / Via twitter.com

“Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”
Me: wow 3 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
EmiBarry / Via twitter.com

I pulled out my insulin pump in class and sarah leans over and goes “is that the new iphone 10!?”. fu*k u sarah it’s diabetes
_LitRomney / Via twitter.com

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
markedly / Via twitter.com

stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
ohheyohhihello / Via twitter.com

I overheard a guy saying to his girlfriend “are you ready to fu*king rage” as they walked into target together and that’s what I want
kpfeffss / Via twitter.com

Why did my momma make me think it was illegal to turn a light on in a car while you were driving throughout my whole childhood
slimed0ll___ / Via twitter.com


DanielWhitear / Via twitter.com


Joelwillans / Via twitter.com

SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this
XtinaNovakovic / Via twitter.com


pugmom4evr / Via twitter.com


BienSur_JeTaime / Via twitter.com

People who put plates with bones & cups with teabags in the sink… What exactly is your problem?
qweengemini_ / Via twitter.com

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
dlicj / Via twitter.com

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
david8hughes / Via twitter.com


the_blueprint / Via twitter.com

Via BuzzFeed, Preview photo credit: sofritolocito / twitter.com