1.
Me on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much
Me for real: YOU’RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT
@ValeeGrrl
2.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
@simoncholland
3.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
@Marlebean
4.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
@LurkAtHomeMom
5.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
@XplodingUnicorn
6.
I let my kids follow their dreams, unless I already paid the registration fee on their last dream, then they follow that for 6-8 more weeks.
@Amydillon
7.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
@DadandBuried
8.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
@Faux_Ma
9.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
@outsmartedmommy
10.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
@ramblinma
11.
[trying to stop my toddler's tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
@TheCatWhisprer
12.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
@sarcasticmommy4
13.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
@nicfit75
14.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
@Dadpression
15.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
@OneFunnyMummy
16.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
@adult_mom
17.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”
What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
@MyMomologue
18.
Oh, you ran a 5K today? Cool.
I buckled a toddler into a car seat twice today, so we both burned the same amount of calories.
@Six_Pack_Mom
19.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
@ParentNormal
20.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
@abhorrent_wife
21.
The Food Network would be more realistic if they put a small, crying child at the feet of each chef.
@Honest Toddler
22.
It’s all fun and games during a tickle fight until your kid pees on you.
@daddydoinwork
23.
Kids are just so… so… Awake in the mornings
buriedwithkids
24.
Kid just finished his assigned summer reading. Bursts out of room: “That book had NOTHING to do with killing ANY mockingbirds.”
@WendiAarons
25.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
@FatherWithTwins
26.
In the dictionary, the definition of “tedious” just has a picture of a toddler trying to open a Capri Sun by himself.
@Paige Kellerman
27.
I think I’m just going to start wiping my kids food on my shirt.
You know, cut out the middleman
@MommieKnowsfresh
28.
Parenthood is good for people who want to to never get anything done ever again.
@WalkingOutside
29.
I watched Sleeping Beauty with my son and then I had to explain to him the importance of consent.
@WorkingMom86
30.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
@HousewifeOfHell
31.
My phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian and that, people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.
@ParkerLawyer
32.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
@KateWhineHall
33.
I don’t care how cute your kid is. When you wake up in the middle of the night and see them standing next to your bed, they are terrifying.
@maughammom
34.
4yo: “Daaaaddy! I need your help! I’m in the bathroom! I tried to practice wiping my own butt!”
Me: “How’d it go?”
4yo: “Not too good.”
Oh.
@ReasonsMySonIsCrying
35.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
@House_Feminist
36.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
@mompsychologist
37.
Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.
After: get them to put on pants.
@yenniwhite
Image Credit: wordpress.com