James Breakwell is a Comedy writer. And then he is a Amateur dad of 4 girls, ages 6, 4, 2 & 10 months.

6-year-old: *takes a pic of the dog*
Me: Aw.
6: Now if he dies, we’ll know what he looked like.
That dog better sleep with one eye open.
-11 Sep 2016

Me: Want to go for a walk?
6-year-old: Yeah! We can catch Pokemon!
Me: No, this time we’ll just talk.
6: I’m busy.
-11 Sep 2016

Me: You can’t go outside dressed like that.
4-year-old: Why not?
Me: You’re wearing a crown.
4: It goes with everything.
-11 Sep 2016

6-year-old: I don’t want to clean my room.
Me: Who will do it for you when I’m not around anymore?
6: Robots.
The future sounds amazing.
-10 Sep 2016

Me: Why are you pouting?
4-year-old: Everything that’s fun gets me in trouble.
She’s finally an adult.
-9 Sep 2016

4-year-old: Boys get married because they fall in love.
Me: Why do girls get married?
4: They like cake.
-9 Sep 2016

Me: How was school?
6-year-old: All we ever learn is math and reading.
Me: What should you learn?
6: Star Wars.
-8 Sep 2016

4-year-old: You bought bananas!
Me: Yeah. So?
4: Are we getting a monkey?
Me: I already have four.
-8 Sep 2016

6-year-old: What’s a nice way to tell someone their breath stinks?
Me: Offer them some gum.
6: Dad, do you want some gum?
-7 Sep 2016

6-year-old: Do I have school tomorrow?
Me: No. It’s a 3-day weekend.
6: Why don’t we do that every weekend?
Me: *calls the president*
-5 Sep 2016

6-year-old: I can’t believe it. My teacher gave me homework.
Me: What did you think would happen?
6: I thought we were friends.
-3 Sep 2016

4-year-old: Why do I always have to share the cookies?
Me: If you don’t, you won’t have any friends.
4: But I will have all the cookies.
-2 Sep 2016

4-year-old: I was a good girl at preschool.
Me: You should be a good girl at home, too.
4: I can’t do it all day.
-2 Sep 2016

4-year-old: Why do rabbits always eat carrots?
Me: It’s their favorite food.
4: Someone should tell them about pizza.
-31 Aug 2016

6-year-old: Why do bad guys always try to take over?
Me: They want to be in charge and make all the rules.
6: Why don’t they become moms?
-30 Aug 2016

6-year-old: Boys always think about stuff that doesn’t matter.
Me: What do girls think about?
6: Food.
-30 Aug 2016

6-year-old: I’m sick.
Me: It’s not a school day.
6: I’m better.
-28 Aug 2016

Me: Someday, you’ll have feelings for boys.
6-year-old: I already have feelings for them.
Me: Really?
6: They make me mad.
-26 Aug 2016

4-year-old: Can we get a kitten?
Me: I’m allergic. We can’t be in the same house.
4: You could sleep outside.
-25 Aug 2016

Me: Get out of bed.
4-year-old: No!
Me: Why do you fight me every single morning?
4: Because you never learn.
-24 Aug 2016

4-year-old: I met a boy I want to marry.
Me: Oh?
4: First I have to grow up a little.
Me: That’s right.
4: And he has to grow up a lot.
-23 Aug 2016

4-year-old: I can’t wait to start school.
Me: Why?
4: So I can be done with school.
She gets it.
-22 Aug 2016

6-year-old: Which Muppet is the tallest?
Me: I don’t know.
6: I thought you went to college.
-20 Aug 2016

Me: Why are you crying?
6-year-old: Because everything.
Fair enough.
-17 Aug 2016